Tuesday, 19 May 2009

Back but not in Black

Good evening one and all - if i could kiss some of you i would. But not you, no no, you. Oh for gods sake look where i'm pointing...oh forget it. Blog pointing really isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Ok, things i've been pondering:

  • Should i depart every conversation to the opening strains 'CSI Miami' Won't Get Fooled Again?

  • They say you can't choose your family, but you can inherit madness - nofair.

  • Busy examining the double jeopardy law with regards to work homicide

  • Thinking that with a bit of extra poundage, i could be Seagals body double.

  • On that theme, here's some straight to dvd titles i'm considering pitching to Hollywood:

    Double Blast - in which an alcoholic ex cop suicide loner must prevent a flatulent pensioner from farting inside a room full with methane and toddlers. Oh and some guy is after diamonds or something.

    Bitchtown - A 1970s pimp gets thrown forward in time to Birmingham circa 2009. His name is Kendall Bitch and this is his town.

    Boom! Boom! Tinkle. - A weak bladdered alcoholic ex cop suicide loner must prevent two explosions going off. Some bloke is still trying to find diamonds.

Vampenis - A large membered porn star gets bitten during a scene and becomes Vampenis. No diamonds in this one.

Thats all from me. Gosh it's been a long time.

Wednesday, 30 July 2008

Life's little disappointments

Ah life. Tis the name of the game and i probably want to play the game with you (copyright Forsyth). But what would life be without those little disappointments which nip away at yer heels.

Now, this isn't a list to get depressed by, no, it's a list to embrace. Lets embrace the little grievances in life. Take them out for a drink. Drunkenly fondle their pert buttocks and then breath a big sigh of relief as it could be much worse.

In no particular order (and please feel free to comment and add as you see fit)

  1. Nothing but empty After Eight wrappers in the box. Could have sworn there were some left - and who does keep putting the buggers back in!

  2. 'Celebrity' columns. Thanks, you've fucked your offensive little life up and now you're trying to reach into my soul and vomit on mine.

  3. Blockbuster movies - no, not the store. Though they're awful - where have all the films gone? a whole wall of one film does not a film store make. No, i mean the films you used to get excited about as a kid. What happened to the exciting feeling of going to the cinema? Hmmm....cost, noise, kids, toilets, heat/cold....jesus i think i just grew an extra grey hair.

  4. Paying for a takeway on cheque, post dating it for after yer payday and then realising the bastards have cashed it two days early.

  5. A hard sneeze which makes you fart violently at the same time. Or is that just me?

  6. Ice cream headaches.
  7. Being both hot and bothered - i don't mind either, but combined they really are too much.
  8. Expensive pubs - you know who you are. Stop tempting me with your sweet nectar.

Well, there's a few to get you going....

Thursday, 12 June 2008

Lee Ho Fuks

There, that got your attention didn't it. I don't know if he does or not, but lets move on.

Now, myself and the lovely zuzula decided on takeaway last night. For it is the food of kings. We visited the delightful Lee Ho Fuks (i'm sure it isn't spelt that way, but by god it should be) and had a very nice little meal thank you very much. However, the point of this wibble (and i did say i'd wibble a fair bit), is that there's a great Warren Zevon song called 'Werewolves of London' which goes 'Saw a werewolf with a chinese menu in his hand, crusing the streets of soho in the rain, he was looking for a place called Lee Ho Fuks, gonna order a big dish of beef chow mein'. I adore the song and Zevon's got a special place in zuzula's heart (mine too now!), so we just had to order from there. Sure, it more than likely aint the real place - it's not in Soho for a start - but dang i love coincidences....

Here's to the late, great Warren Zevon!

Tuesday, 10 June 2008

'Why must i be surrounded by fricking idiots?' Dr Evil, 1999

Hello. Monte Cristo 'ere.

I've avoided blogging for so long but, like many of you, i'm starting one to deal with the various frustrations of daily life. There may be some swearing, there could be some nudity, but on the whole they'll be justified (apart from the use of the word 'shittage', which i apologise in advance for).

Work has a funny way of changing a man. Indeed, when i started i was a woman. Wahey! Arsenal! (adjusts comic glasses). But it does have it's advantages. You see, i need never experience travelling into space. I'll never need to attend the NASA reunion parties. I'll never need to stand next to Neil Armstrong by the punchbowl and wink knowingly whilst discusing Capricorn One. For you see, i too have felt what it's like to talk into a vacuum. Every day i offer opinions, thoughts, feelings here at the workstead, only for them to seemingly disappear. Swallowed up by the ether. I never used to be this stressed. I also never used to talk to myself. But here we both are. Hello.